I put this off for a while.
Actually, this was likely originally going to be one of the first articles in this ongoing, sporadic series, but there were a number of things to consider.
First, how do I appropriately anonymize my experiences so that nobody gets all pissy?
Secondly, how do I appropriately and accurately deal with the toxic gender norms that make forming healthy relationships so fucking difficult? I’m obviously not your most generic straight white man trope to a “T…”
But I still fit some very specific stereotypes as a 6’3, 260 pound bald white man.
And thirdly, how do I keep it respectful, but also ensure simultaneously that I stick to my values of transparency and truthfulness? Remember, the whole point of this series is to be honest about my janky-ass experiences growing up throughout such a strange existence, in order to hopefully bring some light and education to save others some of the same problems, headaches, and/or heartaches that I ran into headlong throughout my life.
So I guess we have to start with the open and honest statement: I have dated a lot of people, almost exclusively through the lens of mostly long-term relationships, and my demisexuality factors into how I date and form relationships with people, meaning I’m slow, methodical, and specific in my dating. We’ll get into my own strange take on dating in a short bit.
I guess I should also put some trigger warnings in here, in that I’ve been in very happy relationships as well as some pretty abusive and controlling relationships, which I was nose-blind to, largely due to my ignorance as a younger, stupider man.
Hell, reflecting on this even as I write it, this might be the most floundering and ADHD-riddled entry into The Pickup Truck Diaries yet!
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, right?
When things are hard, one of the old wisdoms is that you should either: “work smarter, not harder.” But it can also mean that the hard work can be worth the outcome. I feel this can apply to building relationships, but also to life in general beyond just finding a mate or mates as per your biological imperatives you’re shackled by or not.
See, a healthy relationship is often marked by a few things. The first and most important is that you should be able to be your genuine, authentic self at all times insofar as you aren’t intentionally hurting anyone. There’s this strange misnomer in dating and meeting new people that we have to be this uptight ideal of what we think the other person wants to see.
Part Tabula Rasa and part catering to the expectations of the other.
I can’t count the number of boring dates I’ve been on where the person has been so afraid to let themselves shine through that the date is not only boring as fuck, but it’s overwhelmingly fake. The same topics come up again and again, to the point where you can tell if a date is almost going to follow a script of sorts.
I know I have the special social anxiety superpower of being able to read people, but it’s not actually that hard to tell when somebody is being fake because they want to impress you or achieve a specific outcome. You can also usually tell how much somebody is holding back.
Hell… This applies as much to business as to the business of love!
One of my personal positive tells on a date is if a person is actively trying to make me laugh. It’s such basic decency, but part of building a relationship is enjoying each other’s company! If they’re laughing and joking around, or taking the piss as it were, it’s a good sign. Being able to sit together in silence is important, but any solid relationship needs positivity and engagement at some point! Are they asking questions? Are they listening and engaging back and forth with you?
Even if you are using that old school stunted method of catering to what you think your date wants, how can you expect to impress somebody if you’re not authentic? Isn’t it just artificial after that point? You’re selling a facade of your very self, which is pretty much the one thing you never want to give up.
Maybe you’re nervous, sure. But you owe it to both yourself and to them to not waste time with facades. Let’s be real. Mortality is a thing! We’re all gonna die, and thus we only have so much time. If you’re a weird goofball, you’d better be a weird goofball from the start, right? There’s so much stress and anxiety about needing a partner or partners to be happy. So why fake it?
Let them know exactly what they’re getting.
I know I’d choose a weirdo with fun, eccentric tendencies over a quiet, demure snoozefest that thinks appearances alone can carry an entire relationship. Not to mention I avoid people like anathema or miasma who posture their entire identity based on external validations such as opinions on appearance or validating their prejudices.
Along those same lines, people who seem to carry everything on pure appearances are also a huge red flag for me. I don’t give much of a fuck what people think about me, clearly. And my respect is difficult to earn, in that I only respect people with strong ethics and morals, who care about others and the greater world around them. I find respect is something we don’t talk about nearly enough.
Can someone respect me regardless of what I look like?
Health factors aside, if somebody is going to judge me for wearing a pair of black jeans and a graphic logo T-shirt, why should I be around such people if it’s going to have a net negative effect on my mental health?
It’s not like I’d show up to a date unshowered for four days and wearing jacked up clothes, but at the same time, where is the line between looking nice because it makes you feel good, and self-flagellating for not meeting somebody else’s standards?
Hoof, I can definitely tell this article is going to meander several times before we’re done.
So if the first thing to watch for as red flags for myself are any intense prejudices and the tendency to provide facades of self in an attempt to impress, (which can be a symptom of anxious attachment styles,) then the second thing I watch for is controlling behaviour.
At first, this can often come out in small ways – phone check-ins or texts checking in with each other aren’t necessarily a bad thing. They can be integral to an early blossoming relationship. If you’re flirting, joking, and asking your new date about their week or life, those are perfectly healthy. It’s not really what I’m talking about when I refer to controlling behaviour…
In my case, one of the signs my friends told me they saw early on in my super controlling and abusive relationship was that I was expected to check in via text every two hours or so. As somebody with ADHD, this wasn’t just difficult being unmedicated back then, but it was actually extremely damaging to my psyche. I often ignore my phone for like eight hours at a time, especially when it’s on eternal vibrate mode.
I was expected to call my then ex-girlfriend every night pretty much, and respond to texts within two hour windows. My friends didn’t want to meddle in my relationship, so they didn’t tell me about these being HUGE red flags until well after the relationship was over. Often this can be swept away in the false fantasy of “true romance.” I’m telling you, being obsessed with your partner or love interest can be super unhealthy.
Healthy relationships have independence within them. Any properly functioning healthy relationship requires some degree of separation, which is where you get into discussions of co-regulation versus co-dependence. I’ve seen plenty of relationships that have zero separation of time, hobbies, or friend groups, which can actually be stifling, especially for introverted folks.
And it often builds resentment, especially if either you or your partner struggle with immaturity or passive aggression in lieu of talking out your problems like mature adults. Resentment festers and bubbles beneath the surface, slowly making everything worse and full of higher and higher tension over time.
But before we get too much deeper into my own experiences with positive and negative relationships, we should talk about dating. Possibly one of the most stress-inducing and anxiety-riddled activities for Millennials and Zoomers there is.
So, I’ve dated a lot of people. We’ve established that much.
I’m actually not good at dating in the traditional sense, because I’m obsessed with cutting to the heart of a person to find out as quickly as possible if we’re a match or if I’m interested in them or not.
I dislike the “waffly” bits at the start.
But outside that prejudice and controlling behaviour we already covered, I have a few tips and tricks that might help.
The first is that I tend to come to dates with an expectation to ask questions and listen to the answers carefully. This is a big one for men more so than women, albeit tacked onto the male ego and concepts of machismo that still somehow linger in our damn society. But I’ve dated some pretty clueless women, too. Are they asking questions and listening at an equal rate to answering questions and talking about themselves?
One of my early vetting questions I ask on dates (and of people in general) is: “What does your soul look like?”
This is a completely hypothetical and rhetorical question. There are zero stakes. But these sorts of questions can give you some pretty excellent information early on, as there are a number of archetypical responses that can provide insight.
For example, if they answer with comedy or humor, this can show how lighthearted they are, depending on the style of the joke they respond with. Are they trying to make you laugh to show that they’ve heard your joke but think you’re a bit too over the top and serious, or are they instead trying to deflect from a somewhat personal question, regardless of the lack of stakes in such an innocuous framing? Clever comedy can also be a tipoff to higher intelligence, as it does take intellect to partake in the comedic arts.
Inversely, if they have a more artistic soul, they may actually have a response that is clearly thought-out and well-reasoned.
As such, with that single question I can get a good read on their standard disposition, their intellectual capabilities, as well as a bead on their artistic nature if they possess much of one.
Often when I catch people flat-footed with this question, and they struggle, it can also reveal anxiety, fear, and/or lower intelligence if they can’t grasp what I’m asking them.
Now, a caveat to this – I’m a Demisexual that leans heavily towards Sapiosexuality, so intelligence is a pretty big point for me in dating. I want people who can keep up with me, it’s pretty much a prerequisite of dating me. I’ve dated folks that could keep up artistically but not intellectually, and vice versa.
Having no immediate answer isn’t a doom and gloom ending to a possible relationship though, especially as some folks tend to like to take such big questions and come back with the answer later after having considered it. As such, I tend to ask the same questions more than once, spread out over time. I’ll acknowledge that I’ve probably asked it before, then prime them with it a second time. Oftentimes I frame it as wanting to see if anything has changed from the last time as humans are perpetually changing and evolving creatures.
A second stance I take in dating comes from the queer community – I try my absolute damndest to avoid stereotypical gender norms. I purposely don’t make the first move, seeing which people are brave enough to take on gender roles that they normally wouldn’t in a given society. As a huge dude who every lady expects to take the lead, there’s a bit of a guilty pleasure in shirking expectations.
This choice gives me a plethora of delightful information about my date. If a lady is willing to step up and ask for what she wants – it’s often a good sign that I won’t have to worry about that passive aggression we discussed above. Giving people the space to grow or take up that space, and then seeing what they do with it. Some of the ex-girlfriends I’ve had that I respected the most were the ones that asked me to be their boyfriend before I ever broached the idea of a proper partnership. Some did it after just a few dates, showing me eagerness but also sometimes desperation. Others took a full nine months of summertime long-distance phone calls, and it was only after reuniting in person that they had made up their mind as to what they wanted.
I think this is primarily a heteronormative dating issue – men have been indoctrinated to be forceful and brazen, and women have been socialized to be demure, quiet, and passive. Which I dislike immensely on a personal level. Allowing people to normalize communicating their wants and needs is important, and many folks like myself are over the bullshit of gender norms.
If you can’t ask me for what you want, be it as simple as asking me out on a date or even something like communicating that you want rough sex in bed, then you will never obtain what you want from me. It’s a hallmark of maturity and self-confidence to have the courage to stand up and make polite requests.
I clearly have a thing for confident, independent, intelligent people. Don’t tell anyone about my thing for fiery, clever, petite nerdy girls.
That being said, first dates are often fraught with normalized gender norms. Everything from classic concepts of “chivalry” to what can or cannot be said.
It might be my own quasi-hazing through the queer community over the past fifteen years, but perhaps we can agree on some things – activity based dates are always better because they obfuscate the social bullshit that often stresses us out.
For example, on my second date with this cute girl about six years ago, we went trampolining. I decided in my infinite wisdom that cargo shorts would probably be that fine balance of athletics wear but also streetwear. I was promptly proven wrong when I ripped them right up the crotch, revealing my brightly colored spandex boxers, and providing my date with a titter of humor as I quickly had to stop and call my dad and brother to drop me off some proper workout shorts.
The activity helped us distract ourselves when the conversation died down, kept us active and engaged the whole time as we chatted, and also gave us a cute story when things went wrong, one to tell after the fact.
Coffee and walks are great for this for example. Hit up a local coffee shop, start the date there, then go for a walk somewhere public and nice like a beach or a well-travelled trail network. Play a tourist in your own town or city somehow, and let the activity provide the guardrails for your interaction.
I especially love it when the lady chooses the activity when I go on dates, as again, it flips that expectation that men need to be the decider and leader. Most folks know that modern relationships and partnerships are supposed to be 50/50 decisions, but subverting tropes to ensure equality and equity is important, as building it in from the start as a framework is important.
Some awesome first date ideas? Do something creative if you can’t do something active. I used to host these art parties, in which I borrowed the idea to jam some chill tunes, invite ten or so people over, and work on whatever art or creative endeavours people wanted to. It’s also how I used to try and matchmake friends who I thought would be compatible, like the sneaky fuckhead I am! Seeing the type of art and creative work people enjoy is a great way to get deeper glimpses into their inner worlds.
The good experiences that came from my relationships often came from these sorts of situations – placing ourselves in emotionally vulnerable situations and seeing how the other person engages with us when we open up. I don’t have time for the bullshit small-talk, and by the looks of about ten thousand Tinder and Bumble profiles, it seems most people are on the same page these days.
Go on a hike, do some art together, go learn a skill in a class, or see a live show! And so on and so forth. I went on a date to an improv show a few years ago, and the intermission and pre and post show were perfect for the amount of actual interaction.
Wow. Hoof.
We’re already six pages into this shit and I’ve barely scratched the surface of just the dating aspects, without even getting to the meat of relationships themselves!
Well, I’m nothing if not verbose, I suppose.
A few things before we leave dating, specifically for the younger men out there…
Firstly, remember that respect is always your number one priority. Even if the person you’re on a date with is crazy as all hell, you MUST ensure respect at all times, both for them, and for yourself.
I once went on a date with a girl that started off somewhat innocently. We went for a burger and a beer, and it seemed to go well at first. After dinner we grabbed a bottle of wine and ended up at the beach, which is where the alcohol brought out the interesting bits.
I quickly learned that this girl did a bump of Ketamine every night, and lacked some boundaries crucial to healthy relationships. While I was also making some mistakes of my own in life at that point, it was a bit intense for my hick, small town self. Quickly losing interest, I attempted to head home, but in my anxiety and cowardice, did not assert my boundaries or wants clearly enough to stop this girl from straight up following me home. Not only did she finish pounding the bottle of wine by herself, she invited herself into my bed and pawed at me for the better part of the night despite my saying no, until I finally grew the bravery to kick her out in the morning.
You can see a similar story with the text check-ins and demands to call every night with my other ex. These demands, coupled with a long-distance relationship that required me to visit her every weekend, meant I didn’t have much left in the tank for myself at the end of each week. I failed to respect myself in both instances. To assert my boundaries, and to respect their time as well.
Sometimes being brave enough to call things off when you know it isn’t going to work out is one of the most important boundaries and instances of self-respect you can keep.
This also applies to whoever you’re with. Asking questions about this stuff is usually a good sign. Can you have a mature conversation about what respect looks like to them?
So… What are some hallmarks of a healthy relationship? How can you be sure anything is going on the right track?
Well, healthy communication is a pretty big one.
Are you able to be open, honest, and truthful about your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with someone? Or do you fear broaching topics because they’re going to get angry, depressed, anxious, or otherwise unpredictable in toxic ways?
As mentioned above, passive aggression is a HUGE red flag for me. The minute someone is unable to talk about things openly and they begin doing small, prodding shit to try and force and issue, I get my hackles up. It’s incredibly toxic and a hallmark of a toxic or abusive relationship.
Inversely, gaslighting is also a huge red flag, in which often someone will force a conversation but distort the situation or narrative to make you seem like the bad person or the crazy one in a given instance. This is especially dangerous if you’re being gaslit about your boundaries and hard “no” topics.
This can compound with other issues of course.
An example – in my abusive relationship, my ex had a tendency to slap, poke, prod, or otherwise invade my personal space without consent. I knew virtually nothing about consent a decade ago, and as I was a big guy, I just took the abuse because it didn’t leave any lasting damage physically. But after a year of it all, it got to the point where at one point I had to physically pin that ex to the bed and demand it stop because I was so frustrated.
I still feel like a monster sometimes for that, because having to use your own physical strength to assert your boundaries is never a feel-good situation. And of course, looking back at the entirety of that relationship, I can see now that I was falling into perpetuating the cycle of abuse myself, as too many toxic interactions were normalized over long periods of time. I started doing the things myself after becoming blind to them.
Thank fuck I know better now.
So what are some hallmarks of a more positive relationship?
Feeling like a person adds to your life and overall happiness is a pretty big one. When you think about someone, are you happy to see them or interact with them, or do you see such interactions as obligations or stressful moments? It ties somewhat into that independence factor, but do you have separate lives that enhance the everyday life of the other person while maintaining their independence?
Furthermore, are you both able to be your genuine selves around each other without having to maintain that facade up above? Can you represent your truest self without judgement or reproach?
It seems so silly and common, but one of the smaller things I note in healthy, positive relationships is regular check-ins or in reciprocity of engagement. Is one person always doing the outreach to keep the relationship going? Are both parties checking in on each other and holding space for each other as isolated instances within the rest of their daily life?
Some of my best relationships, both my most recent one as well as some previous exes, were well and good because communication was open, check-ins were frequent but not overbearing or forced, and I knew I could be honest and true to myself and would have it accepted and not distorted. My partners didn’t try to change me or adjust or control my behaviour.
This was especially crucial to my ADHD, as even in hyperfocus I knew I wouldn’t be talked down to or treated poorly for lacking executive function!
I could go on, but I need to start winding down this article.
I think when it comes to dating and relationships, we need to see each other as fallible, imperfect humans first and foremost. We’re not monoliths unto ourselves, as each of us is just a person with our own wants, needs, and personality traits.
Do we have to fall madly in love with everyone we go on a date with?
HELL NO.
But do we need to ensure we’re presenting our most authentic, genuine, and truest selves?
Yes, I do believe that’s our responsibility, and in keeping with respecting ourselves and the people we date. Such simple things as enforcing boundaries, communicating openly without fear like adults, practicing consent beyond merely the bedroom, and being willing to work through problems together 50/50 is important to any successful relationship.
Coming from a small town hick mentality, men have far more work to do on average than women, purely due to the amount of social conditioning we must undo within ourselves, not that ladies or non binary folks are completely off the hook for their own prejudices, hangups, and traumas.
But I’d like to create a world in which positive, healthy relationships are the norm, and not the exception.
And hell…
Maybe one day even I’ll figure it out for myself!
Heh.
Fuck gender norms.
Now, let’s get the fuck out of here.
-McRae
