This is taboo,
Where I’m from.
The idea of masculinity,
Wreathed in traumas.
I remove everything –
But the beard and eyebrows.
Last vestige of being a man.
Stretch marks adorn my naked,
Bloated body.
Mistreatment since the move –
Gluttony proving too great a demon,
To kill.
The Infinite Hunger.
Leaves me each time,
A swollen mess of purple & pink.
Stretch marks across my whole body.
The trimmer catches them,
Scythes through the stretched epidermis,
Leaving my body a mess,
Of bloody weepings.
Watching the blood & hair,
Disappear down the drain.
Is this what it means,
To be nonbinary?
Begging for singularity,
To change my form at whim.
Yet,
Paying penance with the stinging,
Of my wounds.
Tax on beauty,
Paid like christian flagellations.
Lashes before the gallows.
Later,
Doing my cuticles,
For the first time in ages.
They bleed profusely,
Running them in cold water –
Bleeding yet again.
The cuticles never cease to bleed.
Nail polish remover,
Cleans but for a second –
Stinging like the shampoo on my cuts.
Paint over it all in black nail polish,
Striving towards androgyny.
Blood bubbles.
Proof of my impatience,
Even now –
Despite waiting for years already.
This is me,
Fighting an invisible dysphoria,
Thankfully free from the days,
Of self mutilation.
Pain just to feel.
I’ve always wanted,
To be a shapechanger.
Free from the confines,
Of gender expectations.
The painted nails will have to do.
Matte black,
Next time.
Hearkening back to scene kid pasts.
Punk traditions,
Passed unto metal,
Amongst others.
Fuck your gender.
I’m a hairless chimp,
Anyways.
Striving toward some evolution,
Of dumb fuck logger philosophies.
Old ideas of men.
Old Ideas Of Men.
