Alliteration never prepared me for the conflagration that is change: Ranging from sudden shock to long term anxiety, riding me from top to ground, each round lasting longer than the next. I keep on meeting and greeting but every moment is fleeting, each door opening and closing simultaneously. I’m trapped in a whirlwind of change, but I realise despite the mangy appearance of life, it’s more than some, fighting against the universe. You learn to make yourself, shelve feelings of despair or sorrow, more so than the hollow of hate plus anger. I pander to the poets and dreamers, now, not the ignorant masses, nor the stupid past classes, lessons on nothing or everything, and my many failed relationships.
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I realise that truth is worth more to me than death or pain, that what I’ve gained in this is freedom, a gleaming that some deny, but I embrace. I dwell now in bitterness, but fitness and knowledge elevates me above what I was. What’s “just” in this musty world of ours in vague, plagues and terror ruling how we act. But I’d rather attack the darkness itself with a vengeance than pretend this is all okay. I spit on some past relationships, yet my anger management is perfect. I scoff at my past jobs, as the rest of the slobs can take over, I yawn at my past age, because it’s all just a phase, right?
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I’m understanding – landing myself in lukewarm water, just where I want to be, drifting alone in this sea of love sans admiration. I meet people I like and fly, kited along on a longboard. I plan ahead and demand compassion, and I’m learning to give it where it’s due. I’m going to keep writing, righting my feelings every time they get tipped over, making myself a better person, certain to succeed.
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Change used to scare me, but I’m finally learning how to advance, prance past history and mystery into golden realms of beauty. My changed past is too vast to hold onto, I’ll remember the bits that worked, ignore the dark parts lurking in back, try not to step on the tacks, and breathe deeply when I need to.
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This is truly what change is, I’m finding.
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A long and winding road to some destination I just don’t know yet.
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I’m trying not to fret, to take everything in stride.
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I’m abiding by the rules, but I wonder:
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Are we stars? Or are we fools?
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Only time will tell.
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Change.
