To be perfectly honest?

For a long time, I really disliked writing about myself. I had the educated skills, the raw natural talent of a neurodiverse savant, and the steady hard work ethic of an ex-logger, but what I lacked was confidence. Who wanted to hear what a queer, disabled kid from a small logging town had to say?

Well… Seeing a distinct lack of any such uniquely positioned voices in the mainstream?

Hello world.

What does your soul look like?

My name is McRae, AKA @McRaeWrites on most social networks, and I’m a queer (Demisexual + Masc/Non Binary) and neurodivergent (ADHD, Social Anxiety, Etc.) writer, creator, educator, and all-around eccentric artist originally hailing from stolen land in the boonies of British Columbia.

I’m the goddess of a thousand masks. That is to say, I’ve had many names and pseudonyms in my life.

That metaphor above also means I use any/all pronouns. The singularity can’t come soon enough. Still, exploring my nonbinary identity in recent years has been a breath of fresh air. I’ve known I was grey-ace for a decade, but have only explored the gender side of things more recently in the past half decade.

See, I’ve come an extremely long way in my very short number of years on the planet. I’m over 210 in dog years, and over 1700 in ADHD years, you know! I’ve survived everything; including abuse, trauma, and even hate crimes. From my birth way back in the halcyon days of 1990, to now, I’ve watched as the world has ever-more needed a greater voice coming from minority folks like me, as queer and neurodiverse people have traditionally been silenced or shoved off into a corner, unwanted by mainstream society. So now I’m trying to speak up as best I can to try and fix some of the ongoing issues in modern society and capitalism. I see it as a responsibility of mine – giving thanks for my survival by paying it forward.

I very much intend to follow the lead of my idols like Fred Rogers, Steve Irwin, Bob Ross, Nikola Tesla, and the like – positive role models for Humanity; and help amplify the voices of other underdogs as much as I possibly can. I come from the teen subcultures of punk and anarchism, after all. Fighting racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia head on, and helping minority groups or the underprivileged is kind of a prerequisite to that. But, I also intend to try and bridge some of the gaps in our society that have been widening for a while now. You have no idea how frayed the social contract has truly become. There are lots of folks suffering out there right now.

Less imaginary or subcultural, my ethics are steeped in:

-Progressivism
-Education
-Authenticity
-Democracy
-Autonomy
-Vote Reform
-Transparency
-Honesty
-Truth
-Kindness
-Honor
-Creativity
-Empathy
-Loyalty
-Justice
-Pacifism
-Collaboration
-Environmentalism
-Social Justice
-Mutual Aid
-& Many More!

I guess you could boil most of it down to “Humanist.”

See, I come from a logging family. And oftentimes, being from a lumberjack family means struggling to put food on the table, and pretending as best one can to be middle class in a sort of “bowing” before the North American societal and cultural norms of capitalism.

I mean, the deck was stacked against people like me from the start with all these disabilities. Ableism and anti-queer sentiment is rampant in small towns. I have lots of haters. (You wouldn’t believe the hate mail I’ve gotten since starting my business in 2019. I can’t believe people act this way towards other Humans!) That means I am extra appreciative of simple kindnesses and accepting communities! I want to promote empathy and compassion for others, and help where I can.

On top of my interesting childhood socioeconomic situation, I was born onto this plane of existence with ADHD (The Inattentive Subtype, although I guess that language is outdated), and for a long time that was “it.” Back in the day it was just called ADD and all I knew is that it meant I couldn’t focus on things I didn’t like. The school system had no idea how to manage folks with autism or ADHD in the 90s. And I myself had no clue it involved executive dysfunction, and was one of several inherited genetic clan traits, as many disabilities are hereditary. Most of my medical record was hidden from me on purpose by a parent who didn’t believe in modern medicine. I only knew that it was “bad,” and I was “bad” and “different” for having it!

Stigma sucks.

Nowadays – I’m aware that I have some other medically diagnosed labels in addition to the aforementioned ADHD. Social Anxiety Disorder, Dyscalculia, Major Depression, and a Major Mood Disorder. I’m pretty sure I’m autistic as well, but despite numerous Psychiatrists and Psychologists telling me so – I haven’t ever been formally diagnosed with it. And I doubt it would provide me much in the way of supports or the like at my age anyways, unfortunately.

I’m just so lucky through it all that I had some stellar mentors and role models along the way, who helped me figure myself out, despite being a high needs student. I have so many people to thank: Local first nations or community members. Coworkers in the trades. And of course, dozens of teachers – from the math teacher who taught two courses at once to help me get into University after a lifetime of C- marks, to the other math teacher who endured my worst ADHD hijinx. And of course there was the drama teacher – the only “out” queer butch lesbian woman I knew in town in an age of my closeted teenage idolizing of Riot Grrl Zines and punk-rock, metal, or alt-rock subculture. A lady I respect, who showed me love, and helped me learn that there were different ways to be in the world than the only ones I had ever known from toxic masculinity and addiction-laden forestry backgrounds.

I swear to pay that forward, somehow.

So now as an adult, with some overdue medication exploration and loads of other mental health supports, I am finally functional. Actually, more than functional. I’m beginning to lean into my Damocles-Sword superpowers, as it were. But still…

Talk about an uphill battle!

Having to work five times as hard as everyone around me for the same results has given me some solid skill-sets, fortunately enough for me:

Work ethic.
Willpower.
Fortitude & resilience.
Critical thinking.
Outside the box problem-solving skills.
Infinite creativity.
And so much more.

I mean – with my living and dying at twice the speed as everyone else, (according to the demographics and statistics on deaths for neurodivergent people like me…) I’m needing to move in a hurry! I am stubborn enough to never give up, though. I relish the challenge. It drives me ever-upwards. And yet I’m still pragmatic, in that I only have thirty years give or take to help as much of humanity as I can before I die. Then you’ll only have my body of work to grow and evolve yourselves with. I’ll be dead, and subsequently will lack any opinion on the matter.

Excelsior.

Of course, living with my nose in books, plays, imaginary worlds, films, new media, and video games due to the connected social struggles of my (closeted) queer, disabled life definitely helped my vocabulary and critical thinking skills, much to the current McRae’s benefit! I can say with pride that I now have a couple of degrees and can stand on my own two feet, despite a prior lack of medication, or much of anything else in the way of any close support for the majority of my life beforehand.

(You can read The Pickup Truck Diaries articles on these sorts of deeper non-fiction prose topics, available via the drop down bar up top!)

In terms of education, I’ve always been involved – be it attending the 2007 Provincial Student Congress to “discuss” with then Liberal Government Education Minister Shirley Bond about her terrible Education Ministry policies, or speaking at a public education hosted potlatch and riling up the youth in front of Gordon Campbell, the Premier at the time. (His estranged wife was my principal, it was weird.)

I switched to Straight A’s mostly in grade nine after deciding late that I wanted to be a teacher like my dead grandmother. That was a struggle! Spending my Sundays catching up 2-3 years of missed French classes at the Language Arts teacher’s house via tutoring wisened me up to the value of education real quick! Some years later, with a few funny stories here and there, I graduated from The University of British Columbia in 2013 with a Bachelor of Arts – specializing in History, English, and Drama. I graduated from that same university in 2014 a year later with a Bachelor of Education, specializing in Secondary Ed in those same teachables. And I’ve been grinding ever since towards the impossible task of accumulating all knowledge in the universe, one hyperfocus session at a time! (Ask me about learning market macroeconomics over the last three years! It’s been fascinating!)

Additionally; across my lived experiences, I’ve accomplished and learned a lot of neat things:

-Working across dozens of fields, including; logging, greenwaste recycling, chef work, bookkeeping & administration, entrepreneurship, public education, libraries, and even creative direction and production. In addition to all the neat things on this website.
-Had a stint as a one episode bit character on reality TV!
-Becoming the Third Most Prolific Poet Of All Time, and already being very close to beating Shakespeare’s entire portfolio and taking second place in a mere five years!
-Being part of the catering team as a chef that catered the Davis Cup hosted at UBC.
-Writing the longest resource guide ever written for the most complex format of the most complex game ever invented, that even computers can’t solve.
-Getting signed to a publisher, then dropped after 3 years of radio silence, only to then learn to self-publish myself, subsequently publishing a poetry anthology, two sci-fi books, and a number of different fiction and non fiction series!
-Producing multiple online shows and projects.

Through it all, I learned and grew a whole lot! I also added an enormous number of masteries to my toolbox and skillset. But… Remember Spiderman: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility!

Because of my differences, I’m different from many other writers or creators in that I have the benefit of a full suite of superpowers from all of my double-edged disabilities. The ADHD allows me to hyper-focus, for intense and extensive marathon periods of time on anything I’m enjoying. This allows me to learn about whatever I want in rapid and short timelines, and I pick up new information or skills extremely quickly. Infinite creativity means “Writer’s Block” does not exist for me. There are simply too many ideas and not enough time. On a good day, I can chunk out 10,000 words, and the average novel runs about 70-100k long. I’m not unique, but I am pretty rare in regards to output. I’ve consulted on a variety of projects across a number of fields using my powerful problem solving skills and outside the box thinking.

The unique mix of very sharp, double-edged swords in my “brain-cage toolbox” also helps me utilize logic well and understand complex systems quite easily to min-max them. I can also react at near-instantaneous speeds without much processing time, and that helps eternally with my attempts at comedy. Much to the chagrin of others I might be workshopping jokes and puns on. (Although I sometimes like the groans as much as the laughter!)

Unfortunately for me, some of my jokes are definitely too high-brow for even my own tastes. I can’t expect everybody to have read the Ramayana or Gilgamesh, right? Perhaps artistically I need to lower my bar to make my work more accessible overall. (Psh. Whatever, man.)

On the other hand, maybe that’s my Anxiety speaking. My Social Anxiety Disorder means my amygdala and the attached fight/flight/fawn/freeze response is cranked up to eleven most of the time. Positives? I see everything, and often hear everything, allowing me to read people’s intentions and spot small details with ease. I feel like a mind reader sometimes, being able to even tell when folks are lying. The negatives? Reading that somebody hates you when they might just be tired or indifferent is “pretty shit,” as the British say.

On the other hand, the Major Mood Disorder and Depression has brought me to such deep lows on and off over the course of my life that my empathy and sense of right or wrong are stronger than most. I guess I do really know what it’s like to suffer. So I don’t understand how some people aren’t aware of those around them. I want people to feel happy, good, and joyful, despite the honest nature of discussing some dark subject matter. Doesn’t everybody? Self reflection and self awareness is a GOOD THING!

Lots of folks find it strange that the majority of my work is free, or fairly cheap, outside the larger pieces. I’ll tell you right here and now that all I need is for people to enjoy reading my work, or perhaps to extend their emotional availability to explore, both via self reflection and also via engaging with education. I’ll try to entertain you; with my crass ex-logger and lexical ex-teacher wit, regardless. I’ll provide you with the art no matter what, and it’s up to you to engage with it. I have novels, DnD resources, poetry, non-fiction articles, and more. You can read it at your own pace and whims. If cost is an issue, reach out to me via email @ McRae@McRaeWrites.com

Nowadays, I feel like I’m sorta living the movie “Limitless” (Or perhaps the old play “Pygmalion”) in real time.

See, it’s like waking up after being asleep for a very long time. As a kid and teen, I blamed myself for my shortcomings. I beat myself up endlessly. Suicide was a constant thought lurking in the back of my mind. I’ve even failed at offing myself. I speak pretty openly about these mental health issues, having both lived with them myself and also having worked with others in public education in similar situations. But now that I’m wide awake, I know better. And I have big plans for this world. Very big plans. In keeping with my social-justice, punk-rock roots, I’m ready to affect major and widespread positive world change for the species. I’m going to stand tall and use my lexicon and mastery of the written English word, as well as all the skills, strategies, and experiences I’ve fought through to improve my craft as a creator and hopefully help all of humanity.

Long story short, welcome to my world! You can tell that my inspirations are in surrealist-absurdist humor – Monty Python, George Carlin, Bob and Doug MacKenzie, Lewis Black, Rick Moranis, Nardwuar, Hannah Gadsby, the list goes on forever. Sarcasm, cheeky chirps or retorts, and sass are my hallmark writing style when not masking or code switching for professional contexts, all in the hopes of being clever or funny to make folks smile. (Something Jared Keeso has used to great effect in Canadian media!)

So join me on this incredible journey. I have all this poetry and prose to enjoy. Most of it is free right here on this website via the dropdowns at the top, sorted for you already. And many more projects are always coming soon, or already launched, of course!

A final note…

All of my work and projects are designed and written exclusively for an 18+ audience. I talk and write about everything, including some deep, dark, or philosophical topics on top of the blood and gore in the more action heavy sci-fi work. A lot of people ask me why I have an age gate on the site, and as an ex-teacher, it’s mostly just to cover my butt legally. So if you’re not in that 18+ demographic; kindly go away and come back in however many years. My work and online presence is not for you, and you shouldn’t be reading it or engaging with me at all if you’re not mature enough to cope with themes that require maturity and depth.

Thanks!

Otherwise, enjoy the free literature, and have a lovely day!

-McRae