Perhaps my folly is my one true lie:That I keep believing in people.Or maybe the concept of people.Praying I don't play Hobbes.Hoping I never succumb to brutality -Whilst dreaming of Utopia.Or is that my folly,Amongst many?That I dream of Utopia,While reckoning with Man;In the first place.
Perhaps I like Animals,More than Humans,'Cause only known unconditional love,From them.No dog:Ever lied to me.Abused me.Hurt me.Only loved me.Cherished me.Looked at me with comfort,As I've patted their head,Or scratched behind their ears.Humans?Why else would I remain Hermit Guru?
Yet again,Why does Sisyphus do what he does?Because gods made it so?Haven't I always spit,In the eyes of gods?Pantheon or Abrahamic?Secular & Atheist;Witch Weaving Spells,As Mere Metaphors,With Paltry Words,Like A Common Street Magician.No smoke or mirrors,From me.Only Tired Truths.
How Much Longer Can I Fight Against The Whole World?Until the motto that makes me:"Fortitudine."Simply gives out.Like a hitch in my knee.Gave up a name.Living nameless.Only clan as title.Faceless amongst it,Too.Until injustice finally wins,Because I can no longer stand up,From kneeling.
Gram;What's it like?To forget who you were?Have you forgotten?As I forget myself even now.Will my Alzheimers,Look the same?Shall the dementia come in my eighties,As you?Or will whatever spark,These grey eyes held,Simply fade away sooner?Read poems,I wrote:"Pretty poem.""Who wrote it?"
Promise me you'll lay flowers,Upon my grave,Eh?Always hid starting tears -When given flowers.People like me,Weren't allowed beauty -Outside of social pageantry.("Hick!")My gardens were my loves,Smelling the nasturtiums,Watching bees upon my chives,& yellow tomato flowers.Promise me?
Don't need Anybody's approval.& Anybody don't like it.Anarchists -Have always been murdered in droves,For failures to conform -To the expectations of others.So this revulsion,By many meeting me,Abuse:Is…Sadly Normalized.Not if,As Anarchist.Then Queer.Disabled.Clever.Foolish.Worse.
Smile.Grin.Leer.Cackle.Madness;Method acting -Gone little too far,For some.In my days,Mental Illness Was Normal.Suffered from it.Was surrounded by it.Experienced it within & without.Sick people,Around sick people.The Enlightenment That Eventually Came.Wasn't worth it.Could never be.
Kneeling.Offer this scythe,Both hands.You can do the reaping yourself.I'll kneel for you.Neck,Same height as hay.Go on.It's okay.Been waiting a very long time.Years.Decades.Centuries.Millennia.It hardly matters to The Universe,As not even a blip,Of mortality.Don't matter at all.
Hurt.But what else is new?Like ET -My old childhood phobia,Ex-family would torment me with.In nightmares -All would disappear.I'd be trapped,Or immobile.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.Hurt.I'm tired of being hurt.
A queer,That don't trust other queer people.In my experience,Been abused by some queers,Almost as much as the right wing bigots.Not sure if it's just pure projection -Them repeating cycles of abuse -Or Ableism -A familiar bigotry to me,From all intersectionalities.Trust?…No.Too Hurt.
Sins Of The Father.Existential Annihilation Of The Child.Yet mother was even worse -Rage,Gaslighting,Manipulation.Giving away my things without asking.Or simply throwing them out.Making me doubt my own sanity,By questioning my memory.Fuck parents.Blood Bags.Gene Donors.Nothing Else.
Ugly Thoughts,All full of anger.Betrayals left & right -Until I have zero trust remaining.Humans are selfish, greedy, shortsighted,& worse.Fickle Wants.Using others like stepping stones;Sycophantic Ascensions.Cronyism.Nepotism.Plutocracy.Oligarchy.Gerontocracy.Ugly Thoughts.Ugly.
I Stand Alone.Always Have.Always Will.Those that seek me out -Usually just want something.Hungry with lust & ownership,Or simple users & abusers.Learned.Stand alone.Don't need a family,Have art.Don't need randos,Trying to siphon livelihood,Or mental capacity.As if a battery to drain.
Don't have family.They're all toxic.Liars.Manipulators.Abusers.Disowned them to find peace.Disowned them to find freedom.Trying to control my thoughts,Words,Actions,Existence.Crabs In A Bucket.All of them.Making excuses for shitty behaviour,Dogshit actions,& lies like flowing water.
Rot & Ruin.Smells Like Home.Ugly upbringings -Parents as abusers.Disowned now,Having surpassed them decades ago.Right Wing Bigots.Ignorance Aplenty.Tired of playing Teacher to fools.Don't want to waste my time,Educating people that don't respect it.Knowledge?Wisdom?Can rescind my gifts.
Nay.I refuse thy politesse.Faux Pas?In spades.Sick & tired of playing nice -With idiots,Bigots,Or right wing dipshits.Might be a Hermit Guru -But I try my best,To bury my Misanthropy deep.The actions & events of history,Tell me I shouldn't.That the Misanthropy is justified.Who knows.
Scything my follicles -To be deemed respectable.At least by "Polite Society." Do I care?Not really. My removal is an act -Of Non Binary,Demisexual Defiance.My way of being in the world. "Polite Society." Has specific metrics of acceptability,For queers. Even more than normies. Ugh.
I dislike authority.Because I'm often more competent,Than the collective body,Of that authority.Publishers?Crooked -Sales over artistic merit.Awards groups?Insular cabals,Buddies supporting buddies.Governments?Elected by idiots.Run by sycophants.I dislike a lot of things,These days.
Goodnight, Void.Perhaps this sphere of silence,Is finally getting to me.Hours of voicelessness -Same as back then.Most hunting me,I want nothing to do with.Those I see as kindred,Want nothing to do with me.So,Void.Just you & me.Together forever.One & None.None & One.Goodnight, Void.